Trick or Treat?

Ah yes, Halloween. A time to dress up as something you are not, and if below the age of 13, ring people's doorbells and ask for candy. If you are 13 to say 18, roam around your neighborhood hurling eggs, toilet paper, and shaving cream. If above 18, get dressed up in some sort of costume, go to a party or some parties, and get drunk and have odd pictures taken.

I've never been into it really.

Perhaps it was growing up in the middle of nowhere in Vermont, where the nearest neighbor was about a mile-and-a-half away, and the next one three miles past that. Maybe it was never having close friends. Maybe it was plenty of things, but the spooks and hobgoblins and scary stories have never done anything for me.

I'm not easily scared.

My semi-paranoid nature causes me to make constant assessments of my environment, trying to anticipate what may come next. Halloween is like telegraphing the punch to my brain; you know people are going to try and scare you or walk up to you half-soused and barf on you, so you anticipate and avoid.

Even the supposed "scary" movies they play this time of year do nothing for me. The only movie that ever actually generated nightmares for me was The Exorcist, and that's because I saw it when I was younger. Now I find it hilarious. Freddy Kruger? Bah! Jason? Please! Chucky? OK, now you're reaching. Even Dracula, Frankenstein, and Wolf Man have had their teeth taken out by bad modern remakes -- you can never go wrong with the classics!

So you'll forgive me if I feel blasé about Halloween.

For the things in life that are truly scary, knock traditional Halloween frights into a cocked hat:

• The idea that a tortured, 72-year-old Vietnam vet with an entitlement complex could theoretically become President


• That if the above became true, a moose-shooting hockey mom from Alaska with a healthy case of cognitive dissonance and the ability to lie to the public without batting an eye would be one heart attack away from being President of the United States


• That for both of the above to become true, the citizens of America would have to be moronic enough, or possibly bigoted enough, to not vote for a black man


• That if they did not vote for the black man, it would be because deep in our hearts, we have not thrown off the mentality of the slave holder


• That the plunging economy and rapidly accumulating debt built up by the past 8 years of mismanagement would continue for another 4 to 8 years


• That people cannot tolerate the idea of change for the better

Now that's scary!